Red Barn Blog
April 7, 2020
How to Know What Day It Is
Schools and companies are shuttered. Doctors and nurses are working around the clock while we are encouraged to stay home. Small businesses are suffering, we’re all maintaining “social distance,” and the whole world is battling this awful pandemic. Equally disturbing--the kids are home all day and they won’t stop eating.
There’s not only “no crying in baseball,” there’s no baseball period. Walmart is initiating single-file shopping, law-abiding citizens in masks look like they’ve joined the Dillinger Gang and toilet paper is now recognized as official currency.
But perhaps the most difficult problem for those of us who are staying home from work is trying to figure out exactly what day of the week it is. Luckily for you we’ve done the research and have devised a simple and foolproof method of figuring out if it’s Tuesday or Thursday.
If you wake up and are still tired, you have a slight feeling of dread, your feet are dragging, you have a nagging feeling that you forgot to do something but can’t remember what--and there’s an actual small, dark, rain cloud hovering over just your head-- then it’s Monday. That’s an easy one.
If you wake up early, make breakfast, are kind to your spouse, children and dogs? It’s Tuesday. You made it through Monday and yet the week hasn’t worn you down yet. On an added note, according to genuine scientists, Tuesday is the only day of the week where work actually gets done.
You’ll know it’s Wednesday because you will physically groan as soon as you are conscious. In medical circles this phenomena is known as “The Wednesday Morning Exclamation,” and it’s probably been well-documented somewhere on the internet. According to research, the “WME” is caused by the subconscious realization that you are trapped like a rat in the middle of the week and there’s no escaping your routine. Scientists have speculated that groan escaping your body is the sound of your crushed soul longing to be free.
If, somewhere between waking up and pouring a cup of coffee, you injure yourself in some minor yet painful way, you’ll know it’s Thursday! Pre-coffee, minor household injuries only occur on Thursdays. According to the National Institute of Statistical Fabrication, these “only-on-Thursday” injuries may include, but are not limited to: stepping barefoot on a Lego, smacking your “funny bone” on the sink, stubbing your toe and poking yourself in your own eye. So, if you haven’t yet had your coffee but you’ve already suffered a paper cut or found a bruise of unknown origin--just say “Hello Thursday.”
If you wake up feeling unusually chipper, your optimism is at an all-time high and you start thinking thoughts like “maybe I’ll start guitar lessons,” “I’m definitely starting that diet tomorrow” or “My family is not nearly as obnoxious as some families,” then it’s Friday. Friday is the most hopeful of all days because you haven’t wasted the weekend yet.
If you do not wake up naturally—if you are jarred from a dreamy, restful sleep by some other human being, child, dog or lawn mower—it’s Saturday! You wake up and it’s unnaturally quiet—almost too quiet. You realize immediately that either the Band-Aid you put on finger last Thursday has lodged itself in your ear while you slept. Or else it’s Sunday. Sunday—the day of rest. Or, as some people think of it…